


I see through you walls, and the space down your halls

by orphan_account



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-09 02:31:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13471815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "(...) he liked talking to Negan. Liked saying whatever passed through his mind at the moment and see his brain think through the different responses he could give. The most important part was that there was always that moment, that pause that meant Negan was thinking about his words, taking him seriously."





	I see through you walls, and the space down your halls

Sometimes Carl wondered about what his life would have turned out without the Zombie Apocalypse. Not often because in there lied a very slippery slope to insanity but sometimes… Either way, there was absolutely no doubt in Carl’s mind that it certainly wouldn’t have led to him lying in a bed next to Negan.

Carl wanted to believe it was wrong, to feel ashamed, but it was like there was a wall between himself, in the here and now, and those feelings. If in this other fantastical world he’d ended up in bed with an older man at… sixteen, seventeen, eighteen? He’d honestly lost track, that would have been severely problematic, not to mention probably illegal too. As it was… with the things they’d all seen and done… There were no innocent in this world. Certainly not for long, anyhow.

“What are you thinking about?” Negan asked and Carl moved his head to the side, so that he could see him. Perhaps lying on Negan’s left side had been a mistake; looking straight up at the ceiling he couldn’t see him at all.

“What my life would have been like without the Apocalypse,” Carl answered honestly, in part because he didn’t see a reason to lie, but mostly because he liked talking to Negan. Liked saying whatever passed through his mind at the moment and see his brain think through the different responses he could give. The most important part was that there was always that moment, that pause that meant Negan was thinking about his words, taking him seriously.

It was probably Carl’s favorite part about him and it wasn’t like he didn’t understand his family’s need to protect him; they’d known each other for years, almost from the beginning when he’d been an unprotected child. But he also couldn’t help but to feel annoyed at times.

Negan turned his whole side to him, bending his elbow with his hand up, propping his head there. “What conclusion you come to?”

“That there’s no way I would have ended up in bed with you,” Carl answered and knew what was coming even before it happened.

Negan smirked and eyed him up and down, “now, what a shame that would have been.”

Carl rolled his eyes.

“It would have been for the best, anyway,” Negan continued and this time, Carl paid more attention to him. It wasn’t like Negan couldn’t be serious, it was just a bit of a toss of a coin when those moments would come.

“Why?” He asked.

Negan raised an eyebrow, “well, you probably would have been a well-adjusted kid. Nice doting parents, probably a high-school sweetheart… You’d have truly been a kid.”

“What, feeling guilty about what we’re doing here now?” Carl asked and there was no intonation in his voice. Not because he didn’t care but because he honestly didn’t know which feeling to express at the moment; anger, disappointment, confusion… It was just better to pass the ball to Negan and see where things went.

Negan didn’t reply right away, once again thinking through his words and Carl knew he sometimes used it as an intimidating technique. Guy standing above you is holding a baseball bat, debating the pros and cons of killing and suddenly goes quiet? Chances are, it’s not for a good reason.

And maybe at the beginning Negan had used his silences with Carl the same way, but not anymore. Negan thought through his words and Carl appreciated that. For a man who spoke as much as he did, Negan held his words pretty close to his chest.

“Without this Walkers’ shit, I would have still been a crappy person. Maybe not homicidal but I sure as fuck was no angel. You would have been good. I would have ruined you.”

This time, Carl did feel anger. It was a turmoil of it and he could see Negan noticing it, just staring at Carl, letting him work through it and it just made Carl angrier to the point where it was just the two of them staring at each other like two idiots.

Carl could just let this go or he could really go at it, go for the jugular, as Negan once told him.

_Believe me, kid, physical pain hurts a shit ton but words will never leave you._

He blew out a breath, wanting to lie on his back but not wanting to stop seeing Negan. Not because he didn’t trust the other man without one eye on him but because he simply… didn’t want to stop looking at Negan.

He moved a hand until it was touching Negan’s chest above his shirt. He could feel his heart beating. Strong and dependable.

“I guess it doesn’t matter either way,” he conceded.

“You know I didn’t mean you’re not good now. Just in a different way,” Negan grabbed Carl’s hand from his chest and kissed his palm. Carl couldn’t help but to blush. Even with everything they’d just done, it was stuff like this that got to him. “For damn sure, you’re the best thing that’s happened to me this whole time.”

Carl didn’t make a joke about his wives’ feeling jealous, even though it was at the tip of his tongue. Instead, he just tightened his hand around Negan’s.

Carl didn’t say “you too” because the real reason he didn’t think about his life before all this that much was because he barely remembered it. Nice picket fence, going to school, having peanut butter jelly sandwiches… It wasn’t just another life, it was another world.

And he didn’t know what was the best thing to happen to him since then. And that barrier that he kept between these moments with Negan and who Negan was around his family… well, right now it just wasn’t feeling that strong for Carl to be able to reply with confidence with similar feelings.

Negan didn’t say anything. Of course, he got it.

Carl leaned forward so that they were kissing. It was soft and Negan hadn’t shaved in several days, so it itched but it was a sensation Carl had gotten used to.

There were parts of his body marked by it and when he went home, he would stare at them and remember these moments. Despite everything else, they did have good moments.

Negan had never said “I love you” but his words and gestures practically yelled it. As for Carl… there were so many reasons he didn’t say it. The guilt, the fear that by speaking it would be made too real and nothing good remained in this world… So many reasons.

So he kissed Negan and fell almost on top of him, pushing him on his back and hoped that Negan knew exactly how he felt by his actions.

From the way Negan kissed back, loving but also desperate, Carl was pretty sure he did.

  



End file.
